Computer Jokes
Jesus vs. Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. God asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.” “Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.” Jesus enters a command, and his screen comes to life in vivid display and the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?!? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?” God chuckles, “Everybody knows…Jesus saves.”
New Viruses
Ronald Reagan virus…………….Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson virus…………………….Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey virus………………..Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Lorena Bobbit virus………………..Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus……….. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Ellen Degeneres virus……………Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC
Titanic virus…………………………….Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus…………………………….Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Prozac virus…………………………….Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care
Tim Allen virus………………………..Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Woody Allen virus…………………..Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Saddam Hussein virus………….Won’t let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding virus……………….Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Joey Buttafuoco virus…………….Only attacks minor files
X-files virus……………………………All your Icons start shape shifting
Spice Girl virus………………………Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
AT&T virus………………………………Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus…….Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
Netlingo
Here’s something you’ve probably seen before, but hey…maybe there’s thing new on here you haven’t seen…
:-) Basic smiley
:^) Smiley with a personality
:) Midget smiley
<:-l Dunce smiley
,-) Winking happy smiley
:=) Orangutan smiley
(-: Left hand smiley
:- Devilish smiley
(:-) Smiley big face
:-l Klingon smiley
(:-( Very unhappy smiley
@:-) Smiley wearing a turban
,-} Wry and winking smiley
@:-} Smiley just back from the hairdresser
8-O Omigod
C=:-) Chef smiley
‘-) Winking smiley
X:-) Little kid with a propeller beanie
:-# My lips are sealed
[:-) Smiley wearing a walkman
:-* Kiss
[:] Robot smiley
:-/ Skeptical smiley
{:-) Smiley wears a toupee
:- Sarcastic smiley
l^o Hepcat smiley
:-@ Screaming smiley
}:^#) Pointy nosed smiley
:-d Said with a smile
:-(=) Bucktooth smiley
:-V Shouting smiley
O-) Message from cyclops
:-X A big wet kiss
:-3 Handlebar mustache smiley
:-\ Undecided smiley
: = Beaver smiley
:-] Smiley blockhead
:-” Whistling smiley
;-( Crying smiley
P-( Pirate smiley
;- A very lewd remark was just made
;^) Smirking smiley
?-( Black eye
%-) Smiley after staring at a screen for 15 hours straight
):-( Nordic smiley
d:-) Baseball smiley
3:] Lucy my pet dog smiley
:8) Pigishsmiley
:-& Tongue tied
:-7 Smirking smiley
8:-) Little girl smiley
):-) Impish smiley
:-)8< Big girl smiley
:/\) Extremely bignosed smiley
:-0 Talkaktive smiley
8(:-) Mickey Mouse
:-6 Smiley after eating something spicy
+:-) Priest smiley
([( Robocop
O:-) Angel smiley
:-(*) That comment made me sick
:-< Walrus smiley
&-l That made me cry
:-? Smiley smokes a pipe
:-e Disappointed smiley
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:( Sad-turtle smiley
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-Q Smoking smiley
:,( Crying smiley
:-}X Bow tie-wearing smiley
:-P Nyahhhh!
:-[ Vampire smiley
:-S What you say make no sense
:-a Smiley touching her tongue to her nose
:-{ Mustache
:-C Real unhappy smiley
:-{} Smiley waers lipstick
:-r Smiley raspber
ry
:-t Pouting smiley :-W Speak with forked tongue
X-( You are brain dead
l-O Smiley is yawing
l:-O Flattop loudmouth smiley
$-) Yuppie smiley
:-! Foot in mouth
:---) You lie like pinnochio
O-) Smiley after smoking a banana
=:-) Smiley is a punk
=:-( Real punk never smiles
3:[ Pitbull smiley
8<:-) Smiley is a wizard
:#) Drunk smiley
8-# Dead smiley
B-) Smiley wears glasses
|-( Smiley lost his contact lenses
8-) Smiley with big eye... perhaps wearing contact lenses...
H-) Cross-eyed smiley
]-I Smiley wearing sunglasses (cool, therefore no smile, only a smark!)
V^J Smiley with glasses, seen from the left side (tip head on right to see)
+-( Smiley, shot between the eyes
~:-P Smiley with one single hair
BI A frog
WordPerfect Help Desk
This is a true story from the Word Perfect helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for “Termination without Cause”.
(Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:)
“Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Wordperfect.”
What sort of trouble?”
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. ”
“Went away?”
They disappeared.”
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Nothing.”
Nothing?”
It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
How do I tell?”
Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
What’s a sea-prompt?”
Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
What’s a monitor?”
It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
I don’t know.”
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
Yes, I think so.”
Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
…….Yes, it is.”
When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
No.”
Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
……. Okay, here it is.”
Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
I can’t reach.”
Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
No.”
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”
Dark?”
Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Well, turn on the office light then.”
I can’t.”
No? Why not?”
Because there’s a power failure.”
A power… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
Really? Is it that bad?”
Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
Desert Island
A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!”, he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow! That’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”
And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got a computer in there?”
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Documentation?
This has been floating around the Net anonymous for some time. The original author is Gene Ziegler, who has a page at http://www.gsm.cornell.edu/staff/Gene/clocktower.html. This page contains his commentary about the following hacked version and a link to the original full version entitled, A Grandchild’s Guide to Using Grandpa’s Computer.
Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!
You can’t say this?
What a shame, Sir!
We’ll find you
Another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Love At First Website
Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual kinkiness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small café.
Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the café.
“Are you Bob?” asked Bunny.
“Yes I am,” said Bob.
“Unbelievable!” Bunny exclaimed. “You told me you were tall, dark and handsome.”
“How do you think I feel?” Bob asked, his face turning red with shame. “You told me you were skinny, blonde, and female!”
The Perfect Worker
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
FEAR Virus alert
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of “FEAR,” delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet.
It will rewrite your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerators coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use sub space field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your “ex” your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there’s company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
FEAR will make you fall in love with a hardened criminal. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current partner behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your VISA card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of FEAR. It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
FEAR will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid.
AND PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!